A skeptic's quest for books, science, & humanism
My best friend died on June 11th, 2022. She was a cat, and she had been my best friend for almost 19 years.
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For most of the time I’ve spent as an atheist, I’ve also identified as a secular humanist. However, the label of “humanist” has spent most of that time in the backseat. Even though I was a humanist, I preferred to use descriptors like “skeptic” or “curious atheist”. While I am still all of these, I’m beginning to really embrace my identity as a humanist for the first time.
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I would say that 2020 has been a roller coaster for me, but honestly, the entire life of this blog feels like a roller coaster. This is because what I write about (which is all this blog is) changes and evolves as I change and grow up. I began The Closet Atheist Blog in November of 2016 with slight apprehension that I might one day run out of things to talk about in my specific niche of atheism, and I wondered what I would do then. Should I just end the blog? No, I would first change it—the content, maybe even the name?—instead of leaving it behind altogether.
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“I kept my secret blog absolutely separate from my real life. It was like I was two people. I was a Christian at home and at college, but I was an atheist online and at heart.”
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Last month marks the three-year anniversary of my blog, but this week marks the end of not only a year, but a decade. I want to end this year with a little bit of introspection on who I am as an atheist.
I’ve made a few posts before on what type of atheist I am, my own personal evolution, and how my blog is changing. But I want to go into more detail about why I’m not your stereotypical atheist, even though perhaps I used to be.
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I believe that religious deconversion is a process. Throughout this process, the person evolves. Some evolve more than others, and some endure the changes in more ways than one. For me, deconversion went like this: Christian → agnostic → atheist. My evolution underwent several transformational stages. In between Christian and agnostic, there was the initial period of doubt followed by a period of apathy. In between agnostic and atheist, there was curiosity and intrigue about general arguments regarding the existence of God. This intrigue made me very passionate about atheism itself. I have been engrossed in the interplay between religious and secular, reading about both to get the most precise answers I could. Read more
I am an atheist.
Up until a matter of weeks ago, I was unable to string those four words together in that order. There was no doubt that I was an atheist, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It sounded fake. All day long I live, act, and speak as a Christian, hearing about the evils of atheism. I’m so dishonest with everyone I come in contact with, save for my loving atheist boyfriend, that when I’m alone I can barely be honest with myself. “What are you?” he would ask me when everyone was out of earshot. Read more